My first season dvd set of Felicity came today. I spent most of today, and I will spend most likely all of tonight watching the episodes. Its like visiting with an old friend. It was my favorite show for so long, and now I can see it whenever I want to. Also, watching it has made me think a lot about this past year. I have connected with a lot of things, like going to a college I thought was wrong for me, and living away from home. Now, I'm used to the college, and used to the fact of living away from home. I'm also used to the fact that I probably chose to come to Temple because of an infatuation or love (I'm still trying to decide what it was), but now I am there because of me. There was a reason all of these episodes made me cry, and it was because she is me, and I know she is me, and I'm not saying it because I want to be Keri Russell. That is besides the point. I'm saying it because its true. I needed this. I needed to be reassured that what I am doing is the right decision, and I am feeling reassured now. I will be ok.

Today I felt the weirdest thing in my IH class. While Dr. DePaulo was discussing salvation, I just got an overwhelming sense of dread because I knew I was going to die. Now granted, I hope its not anytime soon, but I think I finally realized my mortality. Its such an odd feeling to realize that you only have so many years left to live, and then its all over. I want to believe in heaven and that your soul eventually travels there (or to some other world), however; all this thinking makes me also wonder if it even exists. I'm going to continue to believe in it because I think it gives me hope, but it also instills a fear in me that maybe someday I won't make it there because I wasn't good enough.

I just feel very odd right now. But as Tarah reminded me, as I used to say, "In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?" In the course of my lifetime, will any of it matter?

My hair is like whoa red. Eventually it will fade. Dustin leaves for Florida tonight to see the Phils, I hope he has a blast! :) Ugh, I have a test in sociology today which I hate, but it means if I get it done quickly I can get out of class quickly. Oh well, I studied for an hour and a half yesterday, I think I'll be ok.

Yesterday, while walking through campus, I had the oddest feeling. It was like, I was supposed to be there, and Temple is my home. This is the first time all year that I have felt this. Its a very good thing. :) Now, I don't feel like my life for the past year has been a waste, and I should have gone to another school. Maybe its joining the frat, or maybe its just the weather, I don't know. I just feel really good.

"I could have gone anywhere, but I chose Temple."

My Immortal
Evanescence

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
'cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating life
now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts
my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away
all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
i've been alone all along



I'm so tired. Just so so tired.

The spring sunshine makes me feel happy again.

We come to college, and we learn how to play "grown up." We sleep in the beds of members of the opposite sex in order to study their sleeping habits; sometimes with sex, sometimes without. We learn how to make ourselves feel better when we are sick, without the help of our mommies, no matter how much we want them. We make friends with complete strangers for the sake of having someone there to hang out with, and to comfort us when we are homesick. We drink massive amounts of alcohol, to experiment, to test our limits, and to become someone else under the influence of a substance. Most importantly, we learn how to be self-sufficient, getting food when we're hungry, and buying the things we need to live. I'm told this is one of the hardest years of our lives, and its almost over.

Thank God its almost over.

My finger hurts. :(

Its been a long day and its not even over yet. I am so exhausted, and thirsty, and I hurt everywhere. However, once Alpha Epsilon is done today, we are pretty much done all the crazy stuff we have to do for pledging. Ugh...make it be over.