Yeah, so I'm definitely feeling like I'm in a rut. Everyone else is changing, going their own separate ways, and doing their own thing...but I'm not. I'm still feeling the same way I did in high school, and still doing the same things. Its quite scary, actually. I mean, will I ever change? I know I'm going to have to very soon, but its getting harder everyday the more I give in to my old lifestyle. I need something different...something mind boggling. I don't know what I want, but I need to feel lightning when it hits. That is what is killing me. I'm being so complacent, and I hate complacent.
I was thinking, it could all end tomorrow. The world could end tomorrow, and I am just sitting here with my petty thoughts and attitudes. In the course of a lifetime, what does all this matter? It doesn't. Two months from now, I'm going to forget how I felt at this moment. I'm going to forget I felt complacent, and I'm going to be so saturated into my new life, I will forget there was anything different. In the meantime, I have to put up with the in-between stage.

"I want peace, love, and understanding/A stogie and an ice-cold beer/Don't wanna live afraid of dyin'/No Fear" -Terri Clark, "No Fear"

Those lyrics rock, because isn't that what everyone wants? Anyway, for the past few days I've been "exploring my faith" per say by reading a book called Holy Blood Holy Grail. Very interesting. Basically, it presents historical fact as a means of denying Jesus' divinity and celibacy--both of which are extremely important to the Catholic Church. I have to say...the facts are there....I can't deny them. It rocks my world completely. Everything I once believed in is shattered, and I have to pick up the pieces and start again. I don't know how to, or where to find the glue.
I'm being dramatic. Its not like things have shattered completely, and I still believe in some things. But others....well, that's another story. The next few days will be interesting. I beg of you, dear blog, just listen...that's all I need right now.