As I sit here at work with the rain running down the trailer's windows and roof, I think that these are the types of days that scream of curling up in bed and sleeping/reading a good book. The thought crossed my mind, believe me, but I need the money to pay tuition to this dump, which is my employer, my educational center, and my home for two years. How did I get so wrapped up in a place that at one point last year, I absolutely despised? Not sure, but when I find the answer, I'll be sure to enlighten you.

Its not that I hate it here. In fact, I kind of like the familiar-ness of it. After all, sometime last year, I began to call it home, but now, I've grown somewhat complacent with life, and that is a bad place to be. I used to say that I loved complacency, and I loved not feeling anything...because hell knows, it was better than the tormenting pain I felt every day. But now, I feel like I owe it to myself to feel again about my surroundings.

Don't get me wrong, I am not completely complacent. There really are only two people that can make me feel when I am around them, both in two very different ways. They know who they are, and if it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't be here typing this lengthy journal entry. I just want to start connecting to other people again instead of being sequestered in my own little world.

I doubt it will happen though.

"Love Song For No One"
-John Mayer

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who
I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

That's right bitches. John. Fucking. Mayer.

I'm glad I found him. :) He "hurried up and got here."

I fell asleep last night wearing his shirt, and I am keeping it on all day. In fact, I'm wearing it until his smell is completely off it. I fell right to sleep, but when I woke up and smelled him I thought he was with me, but he wasn't.

And I was sad.