This song is in my head...

If I Wrote You
Dar Williams

I never thought you were the letter writing type
So now I see the words you chose the way you write
So I started to write back about the trees in the snow
And I saw a bird, couldn't see what it was but I thought you'd know
You always surprised me

And when the spring came and flooded all the streams
It's like how you got the night you told me all your dreams
And when the barn roof sagged after an icy bout
It's like how you got when you knew the truth was the only way out
But not the only way, oh no

And if I wrote you
If I wrote you
You would know me
And you would not write me again.

We drew our arms around the bastard sons
We never would drink to the chosen ones
Well you know the way I left was not the way I planned
But I thought the world needed love and a steady hand
So I'm steady now

And I'm so happy
I had to tell you
And I love you
And you will not write me again
You will not write me again
You will not write me again

I'm gonna give it to you straight up. I don't like explaining myself to people, yet I'm tired of feeling unconnected to everyone I see here. They don't know much about my past, which is fine with me, but I also feel that because of this, they have no connection to me. I guess this is all part of the new self I have created. Z., which is what they have decided to call me, is not Beth, and at this stage...she has no past. I think I will keep it this way.

I realized that my English professor captivates me in a way no other teacher has before. I don't know if its his British accent or what, its just that when he tells a story, or explains some piece of history, I travel to that place in time. In twenty minutes I have to walk over to Barton Hall for my physics lab with 149 other people. After that class, I am done for the day. I realize you don't care about the minute details of my life. So why do I explain them? I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF!

Yeah...so I had actual homework last night. I studied for three hours! I have never studied that much in my life. Ok, well it was three hours with long study breaks, where I walked around my floor to find people to chat with. I have a four hour break today so I'll do some homework then.

My English teacher is so cool. He has a British accent and he seems like a really good teacher. I think I'm going to look forward to that class because 1) he's cool, and 2) the reading material for that class seems pretty decent. I've become the Starbucks of our floor. So far, our RA hasn't taken away our illegal coffeemaker so I can make coffee for everyone who's coffeemaker was taken away. There are benefits to being this far away from the RA, and in a suite.

Tonight is the honors mentor party. I already know my mentor, as I picked a very good friend of mine. So far, he has been a better mentor than most. He called me yesterday to find out about the party and how I was doing. I thought he would be a dead-beat. Oh well, I will still call him my deadbeat mentor. Sorry, Brad.

We all wander around hoping to find life to meet our need to share our story, our secrets, and even, for some of the more (ahem) more openly slutty people...our tongues. Yeah, "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl..." Sorry, Mike, had to steal the line cause it was playing on my floor last night and it is stuck in my head. Anyway, today was the first day of class. My Spanish class isn't as bad as I thought, and now I have a four hour break until Honors Psych. Everyone has someplace to go...somplace to be themselves....I have nothing. I have so many different personas now its not even funny. I'm not sure which one is me...sad isn't it?

Eating Mcdonalds is not the healthiest thing in the world. However, I found out today that Wesley Willis died on the 21st. I played "Rock and Roll McDonalds" and I am paying tribute by eating a number five Value Meal. I don't have much to say. In an attempt to be social I have just wandered around campus and found no one that I knew. No one is on my floor either. I wonder where everyone is. (Twilight Zone theme song plays through my head) Yeah, I'm really tired....maybe I'll sleep.

Yeah...I'm getting used to it all...sort of. Anyway, I went to a family party today and wound up going home after vowing not to. Call me a hypocrite but I had a lot of things that I forgot when I moved. I'm really tired right now. I attempted to bond with some fellow floor people but I really did not feel like I was in the mood. Grr. I need to stop feeling like I need to rush into meeting people. I have plenty of time to meet crazy amounts of them....I don't need to see them all in one weekend. Yeah, and Gerard sucks because he changed my rank on the forum I post on. I was a Fleet Admiral, now I am the Most Annoying Poster. I did nothing to deserve it. All I asked for was a non-moderator award for posting the most messages. Damn dictatorship. You suck, Gerard.