Ok an addendum to today's message. I saw "Bend It Like Beckham" tonight. Let me tell you, move over Orlando Bloom, Johnathan Rhy Meyers has my heart.

Life is crazy. That is the only way to describe it. Surprisingly, today I feel a lot better after taking a much needed break from school and work and everything yesterday. I spent the day and the night before with Mike, which was enjoyable. Right now, I'm listening to Dave Matthews because I like his song "Pig" which tells you not to "Burn the day away." I still have to read more of my psych for class today, but somehow I managed to write a paper on what I still need to read. Bsing my way through it, I managed to churn out a page and a half of Erik Erikson that I didn't even read.

I had my first test today in Spanish, which I think I did well in. I gotta go to work study soon, and then psych, but after I'll make sure not to "burn the day."

After the breakdown comes the regression for me. I deal with things by regressing. So in light of this, the following Dar Williams song has meant a lot to me today.

When I Was A Boy
Dar Williams

I won't forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy; I'm glad he didn't check.
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck.
And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe, someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home.
When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived,
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.
And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.

I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.
My neighbor come outside to say, "Get your shirt,"
I said "No way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law."
And now I'm in a clothing store, and the sign says less is more
More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, see that picture? That was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in, they've got implants to remove
But I am not forgetting
That I was a boy too

And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, except when I'm being caught off guard
I've had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.
And I tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived
And I say now you're top gun, I have lost and you have won
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see
When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you.


On a lighter note, I have my first flute lesson today. The man who is teaching me seems pretty nice, as I have only talked to him on the phone. I'm praying that he is not psycho.

I'm so fucked up right now I can't even begin to explain it all. I think this is what people mean when they say they are having a nervous breakdown. I'm going nuts with all this work, and the fire drill certainly didn't help any forcing me to skip two classes that I'm already behind in. I feel the need to be competitive, but in this setting I am only competing against myself. Everytime I even begin to relax, I feel like I should be working...always pushing ahead. It doesn't help any that I don't feel at home anywhere. My own house is not home, as my sisters constantly remind me how I don't live there anymore. My dorm isn't home...its like summer camp and school all in one.

My dad says that I need to learn to relax. No duh. But how am I supposed to if I feel guilty doing it? All of my best friends are gone so there is no one I can go to face to face to sort this stuff out. My dad also says this is all happening because I saw Tarah this weekend and had to say good-bye again, so its all stemming from my missing her. Maybe it is, but I think its all stemming from the fact that for three or four weeks I've been holding it all in and now its exploding in my face. I need a focus, and a motivation, and right now I'm not getting either.