I'm so fucked up right now I can't even begin to explain it all. I think this is what people mean when they say they are having a nervous breakdown. I'm going nuts with all this work, and the fire drill certainly didn't help any forcing me to skip two classes that I'm already behind in. I feel the need to be competitive, but in this setting I am only competing against myself. Everytime I even begin to relax, I feel like I should be working...always pushing ahead. It doesn't help any that I don't feel at home anywhere. My own house is not home, as my sisters constantly remind me how I don't live there anymore. My dorm isn't home...its like summer camp and school all in one.

My dad says that I need to learn to relax. No duh. But how am I supposed to if I feel guilty doing it? All of my best friends are gone so there is no one I can go to face to face to sort this stuff out. My dad also says this is all happening because I saw Tarah this weekend and had to say good-bye again, so its all stemming from my missing her. Maybe it is, but I think its all stemming from the fact that for three or four weeks I've been holding it all in and now its exploding in my face. I need a focus, and a motivation, and right now I'm not getting either.