You ever feel like you don't belong anywhere? Not even with your own family? Because that's how I've been feeling lately. Moving back this year is weird for me because its like my family had a whole other life that I wasn't a part of this past year. Now I'm the outsider looking in. With my friends it is the same. We are all too busy doing grown up things to even include each other in our lives.
At school, it isn't better. I joined Temple honors and Phi Sig Pi to have a place to belong, but I don't mesh with the people there. I feel like they are from a completely different planet, and I'm an alien to them. Even when I thought I found a niche with the other girlfriends of Dustin's team, they say to me last night, "How would you even know, you are hardly ever here." Yeah...ouch. Especially, since I've been to all but three since we got back from Florida. Whatever.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I have been thinking a lot because I find myself with a lot of time at night now. I thought things would be better after I moved home, but they aren't. I still cry a lot, and I still hurt at night before I go to sleep, and I want for it all to go away. What I really need is to get away for awhile. But I know that won't solve my problems. Besides, I don't have the willpower or money to leave at this point.
I really don't know about anything. I'm just babbling. This has all been building for a couple weeks, and now its looking like its finally beginning to rear its ugly head. Last night, with the girls' harsh words, it all broke. Holding it in was all I could do to keep from crying all of last night. I lasted until bed.
At school, it isn't better. I joined Temple honors and Phi Sig Pi to have a place to belong, but I don't mesh with the people there. I feel like they are from a completely different planet, and I'm an alien to them. Even when I thought I found a niche with the other girlfriends of Dustin's team, they say to me last night, "How would you even know, you are hardly ever here." Yeah...ouch. Especially, since I've been to all but three since we got back from Florida. Whatever.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I have been thinking a lot because I find myself with a lot of time at night now. I thought things would be better after I moved home, but they aren't. I still cry a lot, and I still hurt at night before I go to sleep, and I want for it all to go away. What I really need is to get away for awhile. But I know that won't solve my problems. Besides, I don't have the willpower or money to leave at this point.
I really don't know about anything. I'm just babbling. This has all been building for a couple weeks, and now its looking like its finally beginning to rear its ugly head. Last night, with the girls' harsh words, it all broke. Holding it in was all I could do to keep from crying all of last night. I lasted until bed.
1 Notes:
:-/ I feel like that a lot.... I have for years, since at least jr high or high school, but I swear it gets to be a stronger feeling every year. It seems like wanting to grow as an individual, for your own personal benefit and interests.... only leads to growing apart from everyone else. PSP and the Honors.... don't let it get to you, everyone has underlying motivations behind most stuff they do, and especially in college populations (at what point did things shift from symbiotic relationships to parasitic?). It'll serve as resume padding, and grad school application padding. From what most of my profs tell me, particularly the super-blunt one I have for experimental, grad school is even worse when it comes to mind games and bureaucratic bs anyway....perhaps when we finally get through it all we should consider side careers in acting....
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